Queen of the Damned (2002)

I hope you're happy.

It's been brought to my attention that I've been a bit biased in my opinions in my past reviews, only reviewing films that I have a positive opinion on.  I don't see the issue, but I see the point.

That brings us to Queen of the Damned from 2002.

I've seen Interview with the Vampire, and read the novel of the same name.  I'm familiar with Anne Rice's style of sex over scares.  I also know that Aaliyah died before this film was finished.

All of that said, this film is a mess.  From the leaps of logic and lack of explanation (either through exposition *shudder* or visual cues), to the storytelling, to the characters, costume design...  I honestly think that this film should have been split in half, splitting the film along the line of the original novels.  It would've allowed for more time for the characters to breathe, maybe so the passage of time in a competent way...

Anyway, Lestat, last seen played by Tom Cruise ripping Christian Slater's throat out, is shown waking up from a long sleep by the sounds of a band in New Orleans.  After killing a random, leather-clad gentleman, Lestat, played by (a bored) Stuart Townsend, shows up at the band's rehearsal (but the location of the rehearsal relative to Lestat's restimg place and subsequent desanguination of a passing random is never shown) and makes them an offer to become famous after revealing that he's a vampire.

Cut to a while later (was it years? Months? All you know is that it's long enough for the band to have released at least two albums), and the band members, looking appropriately bored with it all, are going to a press conference, sans their frontman.  Lestat pops up via video conference, says that he wants to bring out the other vampires, and then cuts it off.  Then his manager brings in a couple groupies, he kills them with a bad photoshop blur, and then goes outside to brood.

Then Jesse (Marguerite Moreau) wakes up in London, has a flashback with her auntie (Lena Olin, tragically underused), and then turns on MTV while doing research, as one does.  She notices some of the lyrics in Lestat's latest music video (insert MTV bitching fest here) are reflective of a location in eighteenth century London, and then she's giving a lecture to a secret society that is populated by professor-looking types who get upset at Jesse for taking a picture of the vampire pub implied by the lyrics in the song.  Jesse is chided for going outside the norms of the society.  They observe, but don't interact.  

What do they actually do?  What are their methods?  Who are they?  Who do they answer to?  What is their purpose?  You never find out.  It served no purpose, gave no context to Jesse's values or beliefs.

David (the criminally underrated 8th Doctor, Lieutenant Bush, and overall cool guy Paul McGann), her boss, tells her that Lestat is old news and small potatoes.  Here, read his diary and find out.

Jesse reads the diary, we see a flashback of Lestat's life after he is turned into a creature of the night by Marius (Vincent Perez), and he becomes used to the whole undead thing pretty quickly.  How quickly?  I have no idea.  Lestat kills a random on the beach, gets told by Marius not to drink every last drop, joins two musicians on the same beach, freaks them out with his mad violin skills and bad photoshop effects, and has to kill them because they freaked out.  He then broods and accidentally finds the tomb of the Queen Akasha (Aaliyah), who's been turned into alabaster, starts to wake her up with his Charlie Daniels impression, and drinks her blood.  Marius doesn't like this, ties his protege up, and slips away before Lestat wakes back up.

How long was that passage of time?  I don't know.  At least two nights.  Was it longer?  It seems like it should have been longer, or at least given some form of indication as to how long Lestat was under Marius's wing.  But it doesn't.  It's frustrating.  As is the entirety of this film.

Jesse finishes reading, goes to the pub she shouldn't have taken a picture of, gets harassed by the local vampires, and they pop out of everywhere with bad photoshop effects (so, so bad) as she leaves, despite her name dropping Marius.  Lestat happened to be in the same pub and saved her, chasing off the bad photoshop effects, and I don't care!  

I don't care!  I'm seriously only about half an hour, forty five minutes into this thing, and it's painful.  Was the picture that she took of the pub supposed to show that she has a rebellious streak?  Is that why they can justify her going into the den of scum and villainy?  This movie doesn't make sense from a storytelling and character standpoint.  Motivation?  Basic traits?  Nothing!

I'm not going through the rest of the plot, blow by blow.  Basically, Jesse keeps tracking down Lestat, wanting to become a vampire, despite her working for an organization that apparently doesn't want to interact with creatures of the night.  There's no extended temptation, she just want to be a vampire.  Lestat says no, and OH MY GOD, THIS IS TWILIGHT WITHOUT THE PURITY RINGS.

Lestat's concert starts up in the desert, a lot of vamps try to kill him with their mad photoshop skills (the CG effects on this movie aged like my twisted spine, not well), but Marius helps him out.  Why?  It's never discussed, it's never implied, it just happens.

And Akasha (after laying waste to the vamp pub) crashes the concert, steals away with Lestat, and they have have sexy time in a tub that goes on for and uncomfortable length of time that throws the pace of the movie off, she uses her Apohis reverb voice effects way too much, and she tells him that they're going to kill everything in the world because they can.

It turns out Jesse's Aunt was a vampire all along (insert Jim Moriarty surprise face here), and she, Marius, and a handful of unnamed and therefore disposable elder vampires plan to destroy Akasha.  And you probably can figure the rest out.

The story is too crammed with stuff, the characters who die have no time to actually develop an attachment with the audience, the effects look bad by any standards (the photoshop effects used are overused; they're supposed to indicate speed, but look like they're moving slower than they would otherwise), and the storyline devolves into your standard sexy vampire story.  If this film had been split in two, maybe some of these problems could have been solved, but I suspect they'd have gone more for romance novel drivel for filler.

I don't want to watch this again.  I don't recommend this movie.

Take care, and I feel like I need a shower.

- Rambler